February 18, 1997: Past in the Past

One thing that happens in a lot of my diaries is that I go back and re-read them, then I make a very self-reflective post about "how far I've come" or "wow, I talk about boys all of the time", etc. Seriously. Like clockwork. Even though I was definitely too young to actually think I was so wise or changing all that much, I applaud adolescent Monica for trying so hard to overcome and grow. Here's a wonderful 14 year old girl's attempt at self-discovery:

I was looking through some old shtuff and I found out it's been exactly one year (since yesterday) since I first liked Jarod. It feels like I'm back in eighth grade again. (Gee, I wish I was!) Coincidence? I THINK NOT!! On the other hand, I'm glad I have finally put my past in the past. (most of it) As I was reading through all this junk, I couldn't believe how lovestruck I was. Boy, was I sappy! (probably still am) Well adios for now amigo (or amiga) or whatever gender you are.

I would also like to say that I appreciate that I had not pre-determined my diary's gender. :)

January 8, 1997: Fish Don't Have Feelings

8:59pm: You can't do this to me. Why do you? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I wish I had never found Jarod. Nobody cares anymore, though. Why can't I just find someone? All I want is to be happy. Why does everyone have to take that away from me? I hate Jarod so much for doing this to me. My heart's never been this broken. Why did I have to love him so much? Life is so unfair. You just can't do this to me. I'm so pissed that nothing ever goes my way. I miss Anthony. I miss Jarrod. I miss my life. No, I don't. I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. I'm such a wimp. Please wipe away these tears before they ruin the page. Lave. Just go away. Just leave me alone. GO AWAY!! There's something inside that doesn't go away. It's not really like anybody gives a damn anymore. I want to kill everyone. I wonder what it would feel like to die? This sure is a sucky song on the radio. I just wish I knew what was wrong. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.

10:07pm: I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have these mental and emotional breakdowns rarely, but when I do--it's really bad. And I just don't know what to do or how to fix things. I mean, I know I want to be happy, but maybe Jarod's right-I'm not letting myself. I'm not letting new things or people come along. Or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. Cause we all know I definitely do not want all this to happen again. I'm afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to leave. Afraid to remember and forget. Afraid to change or be changed. Everything is always just dangled in my face, knowing I can never grab it. I grabbed it once, but it fell out of my hands. This always goes back to Jarrod somehow. But it's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings.


(OH. MY. GOD. I AM SO. DRAMATIC. )

What You Can Expect from 1997

We are about to enter a new diary, with a brand new cover page and new dreams....well actually, the same dreams but more elaboration of striving for those dreams. :)

So what can you expect from my life in 1997?

Loads of angry and sad poetry.

Angsty exclamations and frustrations.

ANGER.

Boys, boys, boys!

Dramatic exaggerations of passed notes, phone calls, and school assignments.

And tons of late 90s jams playing on repeat like this:

Here comes 1997!

December 28, 1996: Departure

Some quick context which has not appeared in my published diary entries: I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My older brother left for college in the Spring of 1997. While we were never really close, it was a memorable moment in my life because for the rest of my teens, these last few days created a frozen image of my brother....the 18 year old version of my brother is one that I fondly think of often when I think of growing up.

Now that I have so much more time on my hands and henceforth alot of time to think (Which I really shouldn't do), I fear it's only led to worse consequences. My brother's departure is going to be very hard for me, although I wouldn't let on so much. Its just going to be so different without him. Too different. But this is his last week at home. SOB. I've also been contemplating the meaning of life and Jarod. How do I really feel about him? Does he miss me? Will I miss him? Can I ever change back to who I was before all that emotional crisis with him?


And that, my friends and readers, is how my year of 1996 ended.

A Wrinkle in Time....

Sorry folks. I've been on hiatus for a few weeks. First, I would like to blame Netflix and Hulu for taking over my life for awhile there. I found "Roswell" and boy, did I get sucked into some teen drama. Then I was on vacation for a week in Chicago.


However, while I was in Chicago, my friend Marya invited me to read some of my teen diary entries at a writer's circle, just reignited my energy to keep this blog alive and exciting!

I've just returned, ready to start posting again! Share with you all soon.

Timeline of the 90s: 1996

Check out this list of things that went down in 1996:

The Year of 1996

Tupac, OJ, Jon Benet Ramsey, Nintendo 64......there was a lot happening.

December 4 & 6, 1996: Extreme Overload

Today, you get a double dosage of December entries!

December 4, 1996: I thought I better keep up before I forget to tell  you some important things. Yesterday and the night before I had been bonding with Jarod. We got alot of things settled and today be brought me [an] Alanis CD with a band-aid on it. I guess that's what he said he would bring to "heal" our friendship. Oh....Lyra broke up with [her boyfriend at the time]. I tried not to act too happy, but I was. Today started off a really good day, but I started feeling bad and hence became "Satanic Monica" bitch-whatever. I am so loaded-with homework, so I gotta jet before I go into extreme overload.

December 6, 1996: I just got back from seeing "Daylight" with Lyra. As we were leaving some guys recognized me as [my brother's] sister. Is that all that I am? [oh boy] Just kidding. [good] There's this 8th grader at Evans [Junior high] whose been coming on to me. Don't ask me. Just because he thinks I "sound" fine. Today I had to dress up for NJHS [National Junior Honor Society] Induction. I hated it. I'm just not a girl or something. Oh well. I gave my compliment for the day to Sam and he returned it very sweetly. He's so perfect. And he looked damn good today all dressed up. Oh [some word I cannot make out AT ALL]! Stop dreaming Monica! Jarod relapse! Sound alarm!