January 8, 1997: Fish Don't Have Feelings

8:59pm: You can't do this to me. Why do you? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I wish I had never found Jarod. Nobody cares anymore, though. Why can't I just find someone? All I want is to be happy. Why does everyone have to take that away from me? I hate Jarod so much for doing this to me. My heart's never been this broken. Why did I have to love him so much? Life is so unfair. You just can't do this to me. I'm so pissed that nothing ever goes my way. I miss Anthony. I miss Jarrod. I miss my life. No, I don't. I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. I'm such a wimp. Please wipe away these tears before they ruin the page. Lave. Just go away. Just leave me alone. GO AWAY!! There's something inside that doesn't go away. It's not really like anybody gives a damn anymore. I want to kill everyone. I wonder what it would feel like to die? This sure is a sucky song on the radio. I just wish I knew what was wrong. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.

10:07pm: I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have these mental and emotional breakdowns rarely, but when I do--it's really bad. And I just don't know what to do or how to fix things. I mean, I know I want to be happy, but maybe Jarod's right-I'm not letting myself. I'm not letting new things or people come along. Or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. Cause we all know I definitely do not want all this to happen again. I'm afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to leave. Afraid to remember and forget. Afraid to change or be changed. Everything is always just dangled in my face, knowing I can never grab it. I grabbed it once, but it fell out of my hands. This always goes back to Jarrod somehow. But it's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings.


(OH. MY. GOD. I AM SO. DRAMATIC. )

What You Can Expect from 1997

We are about to enter a new diary, with a brand new cover page and new dreams....well actually, the same dreams but more elaboration of striving for those dreams. :)

So what can you expect from my life in 1997?

Loads of angry and sad poetry.

Angsty exclamations and frustrations.

ANGER.

Boys, boys, boys!

Dramatic exaggerations of passed notes, phone calls, and school assignments.

And tons of late 90s jams playing on repeat like this:

Here comes 1997!

December 28, 1996: Departure

Some quick context which has not appeared in my published diary entries: I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My older brother left for college in the Spring of 1997. While we were never really close, it was a memorable moment in my life because for the rest of my teens, these last few days created a frozen image of my brother....the 18 year old version of my brother is one that I fondly think of often when I think of growing up.

Now that I have so much more time on my hands and henceforth alot of time to think (Which I really shouldn't do), I fear it's only led to worse consequences. My brother's departure is going to be very hard for me, although I wouldn't let on so much. Its just going to be so different without him. Too different. But this is his last week at home. SOB. I've also been contemplating the meaning of life and Jarod. How do I really feel about him? Does he miss me? Will I miss him? Can I ever change back to who I was before all that emotional crisis with him?


And that, my friends and readers, is how my year of 1996 ended.