February 18, 1997: Past in the Past

One thing that happens in a lot of my diaries is that I go back and re-read them, then I make a very self-reflective post about "how far I've come" or "wow, I talk about boys all of the time", etc. Seriously. Like clockwork. Even though I was definitely too young to actually think I was so wise or changing all that much, I applaud adolescent Monica for trying so hard to overcome and grow. Here's a wonderful 14 year old girl's attempt at self-discovery:

I was looking through some old shtuff and I found out it's been exactly one year (since yesterday) since I first liked Jarod. It feels like I'm back in eighth grade again. (Gee, I wish I was!) Coincidence? I THINK NOT!! On the other hand, I'm glad I have finally put my past in the past. (most of it) As I was reading through all this junk, I couldn't believe how lovestruck I was. Boy, was I sappy! (probably still am) Well adios for now amigo (or amiga) or whatever gender you are.

I would also like to say that I appreciate that I had not pre-determined my diary's gender. :)

January 8, 1997: Fish Don't Have Feelings

8:59pm: You can't do this to me. Why do you? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I wish I had never found Jarod. Nobody cares anymore, though. Why can't I just find someone? All I want is to be happy. Why does everyone have to take that away from me? I hate Jarod so much for doing this to me. My heart's never been this broken. Why did I have to love him so much? Life is so unfair. You just can't do this to me. I'm so pissed that nothing ever goes my way. I miss Anthony. I miss Jarrod. I miss my life. No, I don't. I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. I'm such a wimp. Please wipe away these tears before they ruin the page. Lave. Just go away. Just leave me alone. GO AWAY!! There's something inside that doesn't go away. It's not really like anybody gives a damn anymore. I want to kill everyone. I wonder what it would feel like to die? This sure is a sucky song on the radio. I just wish I knew what was wrong. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.

10:07pm: I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have these mental and emotional breakdowns rarely, but when I do--it's really bad. And I just don't know what to do or how to fix things. I mean, I know I want to be happy, but maybe Jarod's right-I'm not letting myself. I'm not letting new things or people come along. Or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. Cause we all know I definitely do not want all this to happen again. I'm afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to leave. Afraid to remember and forget. Afraid to change or be changed. Everything is always just dangled in my face, knowing I can never grab it. I grabbed it once, but it fell out of my hands. This always goes back to Jarrod somehow. But it's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings.


(OH. MY. GOD. I AM SO. DRAMATIC. )

What You Can Expect from 1997

We are about to enter a new diary, with a brand new cover page and new dreams....well actually, the same dreams but more elaboration of striving for those dreams. :)

So what can you expect from my life in 1997?

Loads of angry and sad poetry.

Angsty exclamations and frustrations.

ANGER.

Boys, boys, boys!

Dramatic exaggerations of passed notes, phone calls, and school assignments.

And tons of late 90s jams playing on repeat like this:

Here comes 1997!

December 28, 1996: Departure

Some quick context which has not appeared in my published diary entries: I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My older brother left for college in the Spring of 1997. While we were never really close, it was a memorable moment in my life because for the rest of my teens, these last few days created a frozen image of my brother....the 18 year old version of my brother is one that I fondly think of often when I think of growing up.

Now that I have so much more time on my hands and henceforth alot of time to think (Which I really shouldn't do), I fear it's only led to worse consequences. My brother's departure is going to be very hard for me, although I wouldn't let on so much. Its just going to be so different without him. Too different. But this is his last week at home. SOB. I've also been contemplating the meaning of life and Jarod. How do I really feel about him? Does he miss me? Will I miss him? Can I ever change back to who I was before all that emotional crisis with him?


And that, my friends and readers, is how my year of 1996 ended.

November 13, 1996: We'll See

Not much has happened lately. Jarod wrote me this note a couple of days ago in which he said he was sorry for anything he did to me and he wanted to fix our friendship. That was funny. Anyway, my early b-day party is Friday and I'm excited even though Jarod's not going, but I've done just fine without him for the past 6 months. It'll be cool. I think I am in major dislike of guys, except for the norm. I've been thinking about Sam lately. My new prey? We'll see.

[Sigh.....oh, 14 year old me....I feel like I've changed so much and yet in so many ways, might still be the same.]

September 24, 1996: This is what you've been wanting

Today has just been hell. I specifically wish to relate my night to you. Well it was going pretty good. I talked to Shara, Mohit, Sam, and was in the middle of a conversation with Lyra when Jarod called. Seems Christa won't be going to [Rosalyn's] quinceanera with him and he's making me feel guilty for not going with him. His words were-"This is what you've been wanting. Forever." But I've decided to go with Mohit cause I don't break promises and I don't play mind games with people. I cried a little with Lyra and it felt so good. Then I talked to Meghan, Ben and Rosalyn. They all told me the same stuff. Ben's words were-BASTARD! But as always, Ben's conversation led to Lyra.

September 12, 1996: A New Life?

Geez, I know it's been quite awhile since you last heard from me. Well, I just haven't felt up to it lately. I guess there have been a few changes in the meantime. Like....Jarod's over me. I'm not ever sure if I really like him that much. Mohit's my new pal and Ben's becoming a better one. However, Lyra is still my best friend. That's one consistency. I made (dance) troupe and Rosalyn's quinceanera is only a month away. Everyone's stressing over it. I'm stressing all over these changed and mixed emotions. Like....I think I like Mohit. Actually, I know I like. (I also found out Cameron likes me.) Ben and I are "bonding" because I don't think of Jarod much anymore. I'm usually in good moods.

If there was anyone who ever loved to name drop in middle school, it was me. :)

August 19, 1996: On Accident on Purpose

Today I was so hyper! And for once in a long time, I was actually happy about my life. Until I saw Jarod after school. It felt like he was trying to get rid of me, so I left him early. I've decided if our friendship is really important to him, he'll call. (Sooner or later. Probably later than sooner.) Well, Lyra and I played a mean trick on Ben today. See, she gave him the wrong note on "accident" on purpose. I was just a second party-an accomplice I guess. As far as I know, he fell for it. I can't believe Ms. Dawson gave us homework! And I forgot my book. Bunghole...until a new day and a story to tell.

August 14, 1996: 9th grade freakin'

Well hello! Right now I am anticipating school so much! However, I'm worried I won't have any classes with Lyra, Ben or Jarod. I know it shouldn't matter, but if I don't have a class with Jarod, I'll totally freak. I am so worried we won't stay this close and before I know it, we'll be strangers again. I feel like the 9th grade though is going to be an important year. A year for changes and new experiences. A year for parties. A year for Jarod and Bridgette breaking up! A year for love, maybe? Please? A year for good friends and the last year with Jarod. Better get some sleep before I start freakin'!

July 20, 1996: Sad Songs

Right now, I'm listening to the sad songs of Tom Petty. Ever wonder why when you're sad you don't listen to happy songs? Whatever. Lyra and I ended our garage sale at about 1:40 and I made $20. I got the feeling she wanted me to leave ASAP. Who knows why. I only got about five hours of sleep...when I got home I took naps in intervals. Probably took a total of 3 hours. Then I talked with Rosalyn....other than that it's been pretty boring @ home....Jarod just called. He only wanted to talk to me if there was something wrong. He was caught up in TV and said he really needed to go, so I hung up on him.

[NOTE: I was most certainly listening to Tom Petty's "Wildflowers" album.]

May 24, 1996: Long Time, No Write

Long time, no write! I decided to make this a regular diary, so....

It feels really weird not being in school. I'm already missing Jarod. Well, yesterday I spent the day with Lyra and Ben (or should I say the night). It was her birthday, so we went to see "Mission: Impossible"! Tom Cruise-whew!! Anyway, I feel really strange around the two of them. I feel like a 3rd wheel, like I shouldn't be there. I'm still thinking of Jarod every day and wish we were together instead of him and Bridgette. We just have a chemistry, like Lyra and Ben. But I know they'll never be an "us".